"Weird Al" Presents AL-TV 2003

(static)

Al: Ahh, there we go. Hey! How ya doin'? Al here. Well, it's been a really long time, but I finally got my pirate satellite broadcasting transmitter working again. Funny how that always seems to happen when I'm promoting a brand new album. Anyway (throws equiment offscreen, crashing heard), for the next hour, I'll be hanging out with Harvey the Wonder Hamster and interviewing some of my close, personal celebrity friends and of course, I'll be playing all of the videos that I want to watch. So, sit down, shut up, and hang onto your seats because this is AL-TV!

Al: You're watching AL-TV, the video music channel that gives meaning to your boring, miserable life.

(The song Bob plays while a black and white video showing Al holding up cards with the lyrics and wearing black and white, with red mussed-up hair.)


I, man, am regal - a German am I
Never odd or even
If I had a hi-fi
Madam, I'm Adam
Too hot to hoot
No lemons, no melon
Too bad I hid a boot
Lisa Bonet ate no basil
Warsaw was raw
Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Rise to vote, sir
Do geese see God?
"Do nine men interpret?" "Nine men," I nod
Rats live on no evil star
Won't lovers revolt now?
Race fast, safe car
Pa's a sap
Ma is as selfless as I am
May a moody baby doom a yam?

Ah, Satan sees Natasha
No devil lived on
Lonely Tylenol
Not a banana baton
No "x" in "Nixon"
O, stone, be not so
O Geronimo, no minor ego
"Naomi," I moan
"A Toyota's a Toyota"
A dog, a panic in a pagoda

Oh no! Don Ho!
Nurse, I spy gypsies - run!
Senile felines
Now I see bees I won
UFO tofu
We panic in a pew
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog


(The following clip from A Complicated Song plays while the music video for Avril Lavigne's "Complicated" is displayed in the background.)

Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it
Such a drag, now ... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore
I can't belch or yodel anymore
Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated

Oh no
Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah, yeah)



Al: We're back, on AL-TV. Well, I can't tell you what a thrill it is to be here with this young woman. I'm such a big fan. Please welcome the lovely and talented Michelle Branch.

Avril Lavigne: I'm Avril Lavigne.

Al: OK... Ayvril?

Avril Lavigne: Avril.

Al: Avril. Avril Lavigne. Lavigne. That's a good Jewish name. You are Jewish, right?

Avril Lavigne: Uhh... I...

Al: Well, Mazel Tov on all your success. Anyway, this is your first time on AL-TV.

Avril Lavigne: I'm, I'm like, totally excited.

Al: Don't be nervous, but right now, there are literally dozens of people watching you.

Avril Lavigne: What?

Al: Well, what do you think all these cameras are for?

Avril Lavigne: (curling into a ball) Oh my God, cameras, oh my god.

Al: No, no Avril. Cameras are your friends. Cameras are here to help you. Cameras, good.

Avril Lavigne: (excitedly) Cameras!

Al: That's better. Anyway, what was it like when you first started playing live.

Avril Lavigne: Before "Complicated" came out and I was playing that song live, there'd be, like, people up on stage that knew all the words to all my songs.

Al: You mean, like, your band?

Avril Lavigne: What band?

Al: (shaking his head) Let's move on. You're from Canada. Is that why you write all those songs with those funny-sounding words? I mean, I spent a lot of time in Canada and I happen to know that they speak a language that is very similar to English, but they throw in funny sounding words now and then. Has that affected your song writing at all?

Avril Lavigne: I don't think where, what country I live in is really going to affect what I have to write about ("about" was heavily accented).

Al: "Aboot"! Ha ha! See, that's what I'm talking about, that's great! Uh, give, give me another one!

Avril Lavigne: When I was in High School, I'd go over to my friend's house ("house" was heavily accented).

Al: Ha! That was great; "howse!" Ah ha ha! You Canadians have a different word for everything!

Avril Lavigne: Ha ha ha ha.

Al: Now, you've been called the anti-Britney. Do you think you're better than Britney Spears?

Avril Lavigne: I'm no better than anyone else and noone else is better than me.

Al: Uh, except for Britney Spears, right? I mean, she's hot!

Avril Lavigne: Britney Spears isn't better than anyone else.

Al: Oh, really? Not even Hitler?

Avril Lavigne: Umm...

Al: Well, let me put it this way. Are you more against Britney Spears or more against Hitler?

Avril Lavigne: I'm, I'm not actually sure who I'm against, but I know I'm against... I don't know who I'm against, but, um, I think that... y'know... OK, I lost myself.

Al: Anyway, I understand that you consider yourself a punk, and that your roots are in punk music. How much did the Sex Pistols influence your sound?

Avril Lavigne: (sits silent licking her teeth)

Al: Umm, were you inspired by The Clash when you were growing up?

Avril Lavigne: (silently bites down on air)

Al: OK, well, what's your favorite punk song?

Avril Lavigne: The Y.M.C.A. song.

Al: Ahh, yes. The Village People. Very punk.

Avril Lavigne: (shrugging her shoulders) Whatever.

Al: So Avril, do you still live in Canada?

Avril Lavigne: Well, I live out of, literally, live out of a suitcase...

Al: Really? You literally live out of a suitcase? Literally? Every day, you would go home to your suitcase, get inside your suitcase, and litetally live out of your suitcase? Man, it must have smelled awful in there.

Avril Lavigne: Like crap. Literally, like crap.

Al: Interesting. OK, tell us, is it hard going through life as a midget? Or, I'm sorry, do you prefer little person?

Avril Lavigne: I'm not one of those people.

Al: (looking at papers) Oh, my bad, I got your questions mixed up with Prince.

Avril Lavigne: Whatever.

Al: Well, now that I brought it up, have you ever secretly wanted to be a midget?

Avril Lavigne: I don't ever want to be one of those people.

Al: Are you suuuuuuure?

Avril Lavigne: (silent stare)

Al: OK, now, can you just ramble incoherently for a while about something that nobody cares about?

Avril Lavigne: And everyone, and I said, "Y'know, this is where I have to get these kinda guys." And, and, and noone can, like, find the kinda guys and, and, and, and just, and you're gonna connect, it's like...

Al: Great, that's... that's perfect, thanks. Now, do your impression of one of those lawn sprinkler things.

Avril Lavigne: Sup. Sup. Sup. Sup. Sup.

Al: That's great, I love that. What else? Oh, can you show me your tongue?

Avril Lavigne: (silently licks her upper teeth)

Al: Very nice, now do a stupid go-go dance.

Avril Lavigne: (dancing in her chair) Da na na na na, da na na.

Al: OK, now pound your legs.

Avril Lavigne: (apparently pounds her legs)

Al: Y'know what? You kinda smell like wet dog hair.

Avril Lavigne: (laughing) Excuse me? You do, too.

Al: (smells hit arm pit) Hey, you're right! I do!

Al & Avril Lavigne: (laughing simultaneously)

Al: So, what did you have for breakfast this morning?

Avril Lavigne: Nachos, but I had to pick the cheese off of it.

Al: Why don't you just hire someone to pick it off for you?

Avril Lavigne: Pfft. I don't know.

Al: (holding up Poodle Hat) So, have you heard my new album, Poodle Hat?

Avril Lavigne: Yes.

Al: Well, what did you think?

Avril Lavigne: Oh, I've peed my pants laughing so hard.

Al: Really? Thanks!

Avril Lavigne: At the same time, the thing was kinda stupid.

Al: (sarcastically) OK, well, I guess musical criticism is valid from someone who doesn't know who David Bow-ee is.

Avril Lavigne: Oh, you think you're big s*** now.

Al: Hey Avril, who's your favorite Beatle? John Lean-on or Pa-uhl Mc-Cot-knee?

Avril Lavigne: I dunno.

Al: Well, I'm drawing a blank. What else would you like me to ask you?

Avril Lavigne: Some stupid question about my butt crack.

Al: (confused) OK, is it a big butt crack or a small butt crack?

Avril Lavigne: Like, it's average.

Al: Have you given your butt crack a name, like Bob?

Avril Lavigne: What?

Al: Yeah!

Avril Lavigne: (waving her arms around) Ahh!

Al: Yeeaahh!

Avril Lavigne: (waving one arm in the air) Daa!

Al: Ahhhh!

Avril Lavigne: (the arm stops waving) Dah!

Al: That was like, brah-ha-ha!

Avril Lavigne: Thank you for understanding me.

Al: And thank you for being on AL-TV. I'm sure our viewers had a good time, and I hope you did, too.

Avril Lavigne: I had a good time, they had a good time, everyone had a good time. It was awesome, it was all good, it was so much fun.

Al: Great, but before you go, could I ask you for one small favor?

Avril Lavigne: Umm, ok.

Al: Could you take off all your clothes, so I could put them on my head?

Avril Lavigne: Hell yeah! I'll give you my clothes so you can put them up there!

Al: All right!! Avril, thanks so much for being on AL-TV. We'll be right back.

(a piece of clothing flies at Al, who puts it on top of his head with a stupid grin)


(The following clip from eBay plays while the music video for The Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way" is displayed in the background.)

Tell me why (I need another pet rock)
Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock)
Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee)
They had it on eBay

I'll buy ...



Al: Hey! Al here! Welcom back to AL-TV. It's time right now for another fabulous celebrity interview with one of my close, personal friends in the music biz. Unfortunately, due to a scheduling conflict, she wasn't able to be here live in person, but we have the next best thing - she appears live via satellite. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my dear friend, Whitney Spears.
Britney Spears: Britney.

Al: Anyway, you're a very attractive woman. Do you think that you're beautiful?

Britney Spears: So beautiful! Oh, my gosh!

Al: You know, a friend of mine told me that he would gladly eat a stack of pancakes with maple syrup right off your butt.

Britney Spears: And a lot of people feel that way with me for some reason, and it's very flattering and it's very sweet.

Al: Do you think of yourself more as a serious singer-songwriter or a soulless android programmed to destroy the world.

Britney Spears: Maybe I'm a combination of both, I don't know.

Al: When's the last time you had explosive diarrhea?

Britney Spears: Probably like a year ago.

Al: OK, well, let's talk about your latest album.

Britney Spears: Oh, we can't even talk about that. That makes me really nervous. We can't talk about that (laughing).

Al: (holding up a copy of Poodle Hat) OK, well then let's talk about my new album! So, what do you think of it?

Britney Spears: Amazing!

Al: Gee, thanks. Well, Britney, keep practicing, and in a few years, who know? Maybe you'll be almost as good as me.

Britney Spears: For you to even say that is just, like, like overwhelming to me, seriously.

Al: Right now, though, I've got a big, big surprise for you. I've got a very special guest right here in the AL-TV studio. I think you might recognize him. (Al points at the camera). Look familiar?

Justin Timberlake: (smiles silently)

Britney Spears: Ha, it's Michael Jackson. Ha ha ha ha!

Al: Close, it's Justin Timberlake.

Britney Spears: (silent, confused stare)

Al: You know, your old boyfriend?

Britney Spears: Umm...

Al: You see, the reason I brought Justin on the show is I've known him a long time and he's had a while to think things over, and, uh, well, Justin, don't you have something you'd like to say right now?

Justin Timberlake: Yeah, I think so, I think so.

Al: (nods toward the screen with Britney) Yeah? Like what?

Justin Timberlake: Like, I love you.

Al: You see, there, Britney? He still loves you. After all this time...

Justin Timberlake: (shaking his head) No.

Al: What, what do you mean? Wait a minute, are you saying that you love Britney or me?

Justin Timberlake: You. Huh.

Al: Justin, I gotta tell you, man, you're... you're kinda creepin' me out right now.

Justin Timberlake: I'm very creepy. Don't be afraid, don't be scared. I'm very creepy.

Al: Yeah, I've noticed. Anyway, as long as you're both on the same show, is there anything at all you'd like to say to Britney?

Justin Timberlake: I like her style and, umm, "Complicated" was a great song, and...

Al: Umm, I think you're thinking of Avril Lavigne. She was our last guest.

Justin Timberlake: Huh.

Al: Justin, you have a little somthing on your... (points to his nose)

Justin Timberlake: (silently rubs his nose)

Al: Britney, you still with us?

Britney Spears: I was staring off into space. OK. I was like...

(buzzer sound)

Al: Uh, we're out of time. Britney, thank you so much for being on the show. Hope we can have you on again soon.

Britney Spears: I feel like I should hug you.

Al: Uh, OK. (reaches over and hugs the television monitor) There you go. Uh. Britney Spears, ladies and gentlemen, Britnet Spears. Oh. You're still here.

Justin Timberlake: (nodding his head) Uh huh.

Al: Right. So, what do you like to do for fun?

Justin Timberlake: I like to go sneak in the theater and watch movie, y'know?

Al: Without paying?

Justin Timberlake: Yeah.

Al: That's nice. Uh, Justin... (points to his nose)

Justin Timberlake: (silently rubs his nose)

Al: So, do you have any motto in life?

Justin Timberlake: Um, I just think, if you're gonna do something, if you put out 150%, then you can always expect 100 back.

Al: But then you wind up losing 50%. What a stupid motto!

Justin Timberlake: I just, I mean...

Al: Your motto sucks! Anyway, now that Britney's gone, tell us. What's she really like?

Justin Timberlake: Oh, they're big. They're bigger than big.

Al: What?

Justin Timberlake: They're big. They're large. They're colossal.

Al: Huh! I am just a little offended here. How can you objectify a woman like that. I mean, how would you like it if we started talking about your... you know...

Justin Timberlake: (looking down, then looking up) Oh it's big. Oh, it's real big.

Al: Oh brother. Justin, we gotta go.

Justin Timberlake: Big.

Al: Thanks for being on the show. (Al pauses and thinks) What about Lance Bass?

Justin Timberlake: It's like a Life Savers pack, umm, y'know?

Al: Yeah, it's what I figured. We'll be right back.


(The following clip from Trash Day plays while the music video for Nelly's "Hot In Herre" is displayed in the background.)

There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose, oh
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) (uh uh uh uh)
Oh, it's gone to pot in here (to pot)
Bring out the firehose, oh
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) (uh uh uh uh)

Make ya wanna throw up
With a little bit a ***, and a little bit a ***


Al: Welcome back to AL-TV, the music video channel you were born to watch. And y'know, it just wouldn't be AL-TV without a visit from my very best friend in the whole world; that's right, Harvey, the Wonder Hamster. Hello, Harvey.

Al (in a high voice): Hello, hello.

Al: Hey, are you ready to sing the Harvey The Wonder Hamster theme song?

(Al makes the hamster nod yes)

Al: OK, here we go.


Oh, Harvey, Harvey
Harvey the Wonder Hamster
He doesn't bite and he doesn't squeal
He just runs around on his hamster wheel
Harvey, Harvey
Harvey the Wonder Hamster
Hey, Harvey!


Al: (throwing a fake hamster off the building) Well, that was fun, wasn't it? Y'know, part of the mission of AL-TV is to expose people to talented, underrated artists that just don't get enough air time.

(Al begins to play Angry White Boy Polka)

Al: So right name, I'd like to play a song by one of my favorite underrated artists; me! This is from my new album, Poodle Hat, and it's called Angry White Boy Polka. Let's listen, shall we?

(The song Angry White Boy Polka plays while the coinciding video clips from the original videos play, sped up to match Al's singing speed)


Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a %$@& if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort

'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's all right, nothing is fine
I'm running and a-crying

Wake up (Wake up)
Grab a brush and put a little make-up
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
(Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup)
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
Here you go create another fable

You wanted to
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
You wanted to
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup

You wanted to
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
You wanted to

I don't think you trust
In my self-righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die, die, die
D-d-die die die die die
Hey

I'm gonna get free
I'm gonna get free
I'm gonna get free
Ride into the sun

She never loved me
She never loved me
She never loved me
Why should anyone?

(Come here, come here, come here)
I'll take your photo for ya
(Come here, come here, come here)
Drive you around the corner

(Come here, come here, come here)
You know you really oughta
(Come here, come here, come here)
Move out to California

Do what I want 'cause I can
If I don't because I wanna
Be ignored by the stiff and the bored
Because I'm gonna

Hate to say I told you so, all right
Do believe I told you so
Now it's all out and you knew
'Cause I wanted to

Fell in love with a girl
I fell in love at once and almost completely
She's in love with the world
But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading

Can't think of anything to do
Yeah, my left brain knows that all love is fleeting
She's just looking for something new
Yeah, I said it once before but it bears repeating, now

Last night, she said
"Oh baby, don't you feel so down
When you turn me off
When I feel left out"

So I (what'd you do?)
Well, I turned around (right around)
"Oh, baby, gonna be alright"
It was a great big lie (big old lie)

'Cause I left that night
Yeah

Ooh ah ah ah ah
Ooh ah ah ah ah

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate and let it flow into me

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up
Come on get down with the sickness

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Madness is the gift that has been given to me

We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk

This time I'm 'a let it all come out
This time I'm 'a stand up and shout
I'm a do things my way
It's my way
My way or the highway

This time I'm a let it all come out
This time I'm a stand up and shout
I'm a do things my way
It's my way
[honk] [honk] Or the highway

But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors

'Cause inside you're ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy
Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie
Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy
Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie

We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are, we are
The youth of the nation

We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are the youth of the nation Hey

I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up
Please stand up

I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please
Please, please stand up

Slim Shady won't you please stand up?
(Stand up Shady)(Stand up)
(Stand up Shady)(Stand up)
(Stand up Shady)
Shady, won't you please stand up?
Hey





Al: Look! We've got another very special guest in the AL-TV studio. Ladies and gentlemen, please welsom the amazingly talented Celine Dion. Celine, it, it, it, it's such an incredible thrill to have you on my show.

Celine Dion: Well I hope so, because if I wouldn't think so, I wouldn't have done it.

Al: Yes, I suppose so. Anyway, you and I have known each othwer for years. We've always been very close.

Celine Dion: We've always loved each other, alot.

Al: There's always been a lot of love between us.

Celine Dion: And I love that.

Al: Yes, umm, and, well, I didn't know whether I should bring this up or not, but, uh, I think the people would actually like to know that you and I actually went out on a date once, a long time age. You remember that night?

Celine Dion: It was great.

Al: It began with a quiet, candle-lit dinner...

Celine Dion: ...and it finished with whip cream all over me.

Al: You do remember! Oh, hey, remember when you threw your back out trying to do that Mexican cartwheel?

Celine Dion: I don't regret anything.

Al: Me neither. Hey, remember that song we used to sing together?

Celine Dion: Can you sing it to me?

Al: Oh, alright.

Al: (singing) If you didn't come to party, don't bother knocking on my door. Da da, da da da. (points to Celine)

Celine Dion: (singing) I've got a lion in my pocket, and baby he's ready to roar.

Al: (singing) Yeah! Everybody's got the bomb, we could all die any day. Da da, da da da. (points to Celine)

Celine Dion: (silent stare)

Al: Come on, Celine, sing it. Come on! What, oh, did you forget the words?

Celine Dion: Yeah.

Al: Oh, it's a stupid song, anyway. Umm, well, I guess we should just jump right into the interview here. Is there anything you'd like to do before we get started?

Celine Dion: Umm, I want to play golf. I want to have a child. I want to, uh, drive my own car. I want to cook. I want to go to the groceries and buy my own tomatoes...

Al: I'm afraid we don't have time for anything like that. What I meant was, "Can I get you a drink, or something?"

Celine Dion: Yeah.

Al: I'm sorry, we're all out of drinks! Anyway, Celinem, let's, uh, let's get caught up a little. How are things with you these days?

Celine Dion: I'm always losing my boyfriends. I'm always crying. I'm always barefeet. I'm always miserabl and I'm always crying and I'm always alone in the world.

Al: Wow, sucks to be you, huh?

Celine Dion: It's alright, because I know at home, something's waiting for me.

Al: (sarcasticly) A big 'ol chick pot pie?

Celine Dion: Absolutely.

Al: Wee-haw! So, Celine - sweet, sweet Celine - what's your favorite number?

Celine Dion: I don't know, but it... not fourteen.

Al: Me neither. I hate fourteen. Ahh! What a stupid number!

Celine Dion: (silently stares at Al like he's crazy)

Al: Anyway, you probably don't like talking about this, but I hear you had a very traumatic experience when you were very young. Your family went on a safari one year and, uh, your, your parents were captured and eaten by cannibals.

Celine Dion: I could smell the cooking of my mother.

Al: Hhh... look, that must've been just horrible.

Celine Dion: It was fun.

Al: (exteremly stunned) What?

Celine Dion: Great, great fun.

Al: (eyes wide stare) OK, moving on, um, now, just to refresh my memory, did you do the boring "Titanic" song or the stupid "Titanic" song?

Celine Dion: There was one "Titanic" song, there's not two.

Al: So Celine, I read that you (intentionally incoherent mumbling sounds)

Celine Dion: Would you mind repeating...

Al: I said, "I read in the Weekly World News that you got a brain transplant from the Amazing BatBoy."

Celine Dion: It's not true!

Al: Hey, how often do you drink the blood of virgins?

Celine Dion: Every day.

Al: Well, y'know, you look great. Umm, say, do you want to get together and, maybe, play pingpong next Thursday? We can play doubles - you and me against Anna Nicole Smith and Fabio.

Celine Dion: Hey, I'm your partner - anytime.

Al: Cool. Oh, by the way, have you heard my new album (holding up Poodle Hat), Poodle Hat?

Celine Dion: Yeah. (snorts)

Al: Would you say it's the absolute greatest album of all time?

Celine Dion: Of all time?

Al: Right. In the history of the world.

Celine Dion: Yeah.

Al: Gee, thanks. And, you know, your stuff is kinda good too, I guess; if you like that kinda thing. Uh, couple quick questions. Favorite Chevy Chase movie?

Celine Dion: Vacation.

Al: Favorite Bonnie Franklin TV series?

Celine Dion: One Day At A Time. (snorts)

Al: Favorite film about surprise genetalia?

Celine Dion: The Crying Game.

Al: Who's your favorite singer, other than yourself?

Celine Dion: We love Frank Sinatra very much. ("Sinatra" is heavily accented)

Al: Sin-aah-truh? Oh, that's right, you're Canadian! I almost forgot. Oh, that's great. Oh, oh, say it again, please?

Celine Dion: Sinatra ("Sinatra" is heavily accented)

Al: Sin-aah-truh! Ha! Ha! You kooky Canadians. I love you guys. That's great! What do think about this Black And Decker cordless power drill? (holding up a cordless power drill)

Celine Dion: So powerful, and at the same time, so light.

Al: Yeah, isn't it cool? Celine, besides yourself, what do you really love?

Celine Dion: I love a lot of different things...

Al: Oh yeah? Like what, little puppy dogs?

Celine Dion: Yeah.

Al: Fat kids in bicycle shorts?

Celine Dion: Yes.

Al: Butterscotch enemas?

Celine Dion: Mmm. Unusual for me, but I love that.

Al: Then there's the Chicken Dance Song...

Celine Dion: Which I love. It's a very bedroom-sexy song. Mmm.

Al: Uh huh. How do you feel about the moons of Jupiter?

Celine Dion: I love them all.

Al: Do you love cracking your knuckles?

Celine Dion: Yeah.

Al: Biting your toenails?

Celine Dion: Yes.

Al: Rolling around in the mud?

Celine Dion: Of course.

Al: Crazy-glueing gerbils together?

Celine Dion: Yep.

Al: Can I borrow five bucks?

Celine Dion: No.

Al: Oh! That never works. Uh, well, I'm kinda running dry. Do you have any questions for me?

Celine Dion: Am I gonna die tomorrow?

Al: Well, let's see.

(Al picks up a Magic 8 Ball and starts rubbing it as spooky music plays in the background)

Al: Is Celine Dion going to die tomorrow?

(Celine Dion silently looks on, interested. The background music stops.)

Al: It says ask again later.

Celine Dion: OK.

Al: Well, we're kinda running out of time, so, um, any plans for the future, if you live?

Celine Dion: I'm going to get married to my husband, and he's going to get married to his wife, so we're going to meet for the first time.

Al: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Celine Dion: Uh, it's not that crazy.

Al: Umm, yes it is. Trust me.

Celine Dion: I'm married, and I'm, I'm going to married again with the same guy.

Al: Is this some kind of scam to get more free presents, or do you just like cake that much?

Celine Dion: (silently licks her upper teeth)

Al: Wait a minute. You're parents got eaten by cannibals. You mean that old dude you've been hanging around with is your husband?

Celine Dion: Uh huh.

Al: Oh, gross! Ohh! Uhh! Eww! (sounds of Al faking getting sick) Oh well, you know, as long as you're happy.

Celine Dion: I'm happy about this. This is what I want.

Al: You seem like you're happy.

Celine Dion: I'm so happy.

Al: Happy would certainly describe you.

Celine Dion: I'm happy like crazy.

Al: You're one happy lady alright.

Celine Dion: Happy happy happy happy.

Al: Well, Celine, I'm afraid we're out of time, but I hope you had a good time on the show.

Celine Dion: Umm, I was so happy.

Al: Yeah, I'm sure. Thanks for being on AL-TV.

Celine Dion: Hopefully, I'll be back.

Al: Don't hold your breath.

Celine Dion: What?

Al: We'll be right back.


(AL-TV logo is displayed upon return from comercial break)


Al: Welcome back to AL-TV. Right now, it's time for our exclusive interview with Mr. Marshall Mathers, also known as Eminem, also known as The Real Slim Shady, also known as Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot. We'll follow his startling transformation from hardcore Alf fan to hardcore rapper. This is indeed a pleasure. Marshall, welcom to AL-TV. Uh, I'm sorry, should I call you Marshall or Missy?

Eminem: Marshall, y'know what I'm sayin'?

Al: Marshall it is then. Hope it wasn't out of line to ask.

Eminem: No, it wasn't, know what I'm sayin'?

Al: I know what you're sayin'. Y'know, I wouldn't want you to be offended.

Eminem: I'm not, y'know what I'm sayin'?

Al: I know what you're sayin'.

Eminem: Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Al: I know what you're sayin'.

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: I know what you're sayin'.

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: Yes, I do.

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: Yes.

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: Yep.

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: I know what you're sayin'

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: (becoming agitated) Yeah.

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: (increasingly agitated) Yes. Yes.

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: (increasingly agitated) Yes!

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: (increasingly agitated) Yes!

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: Yes, I...

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: I told ya...

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: Look, I said that I...

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: What...

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'? Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: I said I...

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'? Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: (now screaming) SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!

Eminem: Know what I'm sayin'?

Al: Yes! Yes! I know what you're saying, alright?

Eminem: Whatever.

Al: (now perfectly calm again) Anyway, thanks for being on the show. Y'know, we, we've had a lot of great guests dropping by. Have you ever met Celine Dion?

Eminem: I have felt like killing her before.

Al: Well, obviously, we all have. Umm, ever felt like killing anybody else?

Eminem: Y'know, most of my family members.

Al: That's nice. Which reminds me, do you feel that you owe at least part of your success to the loving support that your family has given you over the years?

Eminem: I don't owe nobody in my family nothin'.

Al: You don't owe nobody in your family nothing? Wow, that's a triple negative. Does that mean you do owe somebody in your family something?

Eminem: It's like, it's up to you to decide, you know?

Al: Oh, I almost forgot. I know it's your favorite, so I made you a Twinkie Weiner Sandwhich. (holds up a twinkie weiner sandwhich)

Eminem: I knew you'd make it, I knew you'd make it.

Al: But, before I give it to you, I want you to answer me one simple question. What is the mathematical formula used to determine the area inside a pentadodecahedron?

Eminem: It's a simple formula, it's a simple formula.

Al: (with a disbelieving look) Alright, what is it?

Eminem: Y'know?

Al: No, I don't know. What is it?

Eminem: It's, it's, it's easy. I mean, the formula is, first of all, that, you know...

Al: Yeah, that's what I thought. (puts down the Twinkie Weiner Sandwhich) You have no idea what you're talking about.

Eminem: Yeah, so I better just shut up.

Al: Umm, when was the last time you were completely deloused?

Eminem: Umm, s***, last year?

Al: Hmm. Well, I've been asking all the questions here. Are there any questions you want to ask me?

Eminem: How many times can you rhyme "tearin' me apart", "breakin' my heart"?

Al: Well, let's see. (a counter starts in the upper right corner of the screen) "Homer and Bart", "Medical chart", "Strawberry Tart", "Served a la carte", "Back to the start", "Post-modern art", "Plastic lawn dart", "Missing a part", "Humphrey Bogart", "Lighting a fart", and "Blue Light Specials each day at K-Mart". Eleven.

Eminem: You're being an a** ****, whatever.

Al: Jealous much? Hey, y'know, I, I was wondering, why weren't you at the Academy Awards to pick up your Oscar. Was your macromet class that night?

Eminem: Yeah.

Al: Bummer. But I noticed that youdid show up at the MTV awards and you almost got into a fight with Triumph, the insult comic dog. Were you afraid that a sock puppet was going to kick your butt?

Eminem: You know, that was the way I felt at the time, you know?

Al: Well, have you two patched things up or is your "rap war" still goin on?

Eminem: Yeah, it's still goin' on.

Al: That's too bad. Y'know, I ran into Triumph recently, and he wanted me to tell you that he thinks you're a really excellent rapper... for him to poop on. How does that make you feel?

Eminem: I don't know. It's like, I don't know. It doesn't necessarily hurt my feelings because I kind of expect it, you know what I'm sayin'.

Al: So, tell me, Marshall, how do you feel about censorship in music?

Eminem: I feel like, um, y'know, I, I really believe in freedom of speech. I can't even stress that enough. I feel like, especially, artistic expression. You know, I believe an artist should be an artist and be able to say whatever he wants to say, whether you think it's good or bad, you know?

Al: Uh huh. So you think, for example, if somebody wanted to do, oh, I don't know, a parody of somebody else's video, they should be able to artisticly express themselves and just do it?

Eminem: Umm...

Al: Oh, I'm just bustin' your chops. I know you said I couldn't do a video for my "Lose Yourself" parody, but hey, you know, it's your choice.

Eminem: Yeah, exactly, so...

Al: Just between you and me, though, don't you think my version of the song is just a little bit better than yours?

Eminem: And that's kinda what pisses me off.

Al: I knew it. Well, now I don't have a video to promote (holding up a copy of Poodle Hat) my new album, Poodle Hat, but as long as you're happy. You are happy, aren't you? (increasingly agitated) You're happy, right? (now screaming) 'Cause I sure want you to be happy!

Eminem: You're f****** crazy, you're crazy, for real, you're crazy.

Al: (now only slightly agitated) Well, since I don't have a video for it, and since this is my stinkin' show, what do you say we just wit here and listen to the whole stinkin' song right now?

(The following clip from Couch Potato plays while the camera switches back and forth between Al & Eminem sitting on screen..)


Look
If you had
One shot
To sit on your lazy butt
And watch all the TV you ever wanted
Until your brain turned to mush
Would you go for it?
Or just let it slip?
Yo

Remote is ready
Eyes wide, palms are sweaty
There's Flintstones on the TV already
Wilma 'n' Betty
No virgin to channel surfin'
And I'm HD-ready
So I flip
Garbage is all I'm getting

There's Simon Cowell
Who folks wanna disembowel
He opens his mouth
Always says something foul
They're dyin', wow
Wannabes are crying now
He votes them out
Time to throw in the towel

Shows based on reality
Oh, the humanity!
Oh, Ozzy's family
Sho' loves profanity
Whoa, the insanity
Oh, dogs that crap and pee
Home of depravity?
No, they live happily
Yo

Plus "Da Ali G Show"
And "Celebrity Mole"
Oh, and there's Anna Nicole


(Eminem's hand reaches over and stops the song) Al: Oh, what's the matter? Don't you like it?

Eminem: No, uh, it's, it's just, it's ridiculous, it's repetitive and it just, it gets on my nerves.

Al: Ehh, gimme a break. I could only change the words. I couldn't change the music, too.

Eminem: I just think that, umm, it's sissy music.

Al: Really? Well, then I imagine you'd really like it.

Eminem: Oh, you didn't just say that, you little b****.

Al: Oh, come on, Marshall. You came out of the closet years ago. Don't be so coy.

Eminem: That was my personal business, you know what I'm sayin'?

Al: Marshall, it's OK. You can talk about it now. Do you remember what it was like when you first came out?

Eminem: Umm, like, when I first came out, when I first came out, I noticed the difference, like, when I first came out, I came out, when I came out, not many people understood me or understood where I was coming from.

Al: That must've been tough. Y', y'know, I have to admit I, I was a little bit nervous about doing this interview.

Eminem: Relax, guy, I like gay men, you know.

Al: That's great, but I, I'm not gay.

Eminem: I don't believe that.

Al: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not. What, do you find me attractive or something?

Eminem: Maybe I do.

Al: Wait, are, are you hitting on me?

Eminem: Yeah.

Al: Uhh...

Eminem: You don't have anything to say?

Al: Well, hhh, I'm flattered, I guess, but I'm just really not interested. Why don't you go hit on Brad Pitt or something?

Eminem: Yeah, he's cute, but isn't he married though?

Al: Yeah, I guess so. But look, I, I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression. I, I just asked you here so I could interview you. That's all.

Eminem: Well, what the f***, this is bull s*** to me.

Al: Hey, calm down. I, I just wanted to talk to you about your music. Y', y'know, I happen to think you're very talented and you have a lot of potential for growth. I, I, I see your talent as a-as kind of a little acorn seed. And when that acorn seed is, is planted and watered and nurtured and allowed to grow, do you know what it eventually becomes?

Eminem: A f*****' tree.

Al: Yeah. Do you think you might possibly have Tourette's Syndrome?

Eminem: You know, fff, you know, this f*****' whatever, you know.

Al: You've got a little potty mouth, don't you.

Eminem: I don't believe that nobody can not swear.

Al: You don't believe that nobody can not swear. Wow, another triple negative. Does that believe that you do believe that somebody c... oh, never mind. So, how do you feel about clean rappers like Will Smith?

Eminem: I used to respect Will Smith and when he came out and started talkin' about, you know, he s..., he dissed the whole gender of, of, of rap.

Al: The whole "gender" of rap. Are you sure you don't mean "genre"? I, I mean, I, I don't want to second guess you or anything. Uhh, you are the Oscar-winning, critically aclaimed wordsmith and all. Umm, so, you're a big fan of the gender of rap, then?

Eminem: That is one of the most influencial musics out there.

Al: Very well spoken. Well, speaking of rap, we're gonna have to "wrap" up this little interview. Ha ha ha ha ha ha...

Eminem: (silently points, confused)

Al: Y'know, I'm actually free after the show. You wanna, maybe, go out and do something later?

Eminem: We'll get, we'll get a, we'll get some decent looking dudes, and we'll, we'll...

Al: No, Marshall, I told you, I'm not into that. How 'bout if we just go just bowling instead?

Eminem: Alright.

Al: Great. Well, thanks for coming on the show. By the way, in case you didn't know, ha ha ha, ah, I'm just playin', Marshall. You know I love you.

Eminem: Right.

Al: We'll be right back.

(Eminem's hand reaches over and punches Al out)


---
Al: Well, my pirate satellite transmitter is heating up pretty bad, so I guess this concludes the AL-TV broadcast day. But, I hope you had fun and maybe you even learned a little something. Mostly, I, I hope you learned that (holding up a copy of Poodle Hat) my new album, Poodle Hat (zooms in on the album) is in stores right now. What are you waiting for? Go get it! Go! Go! Go! Anyway, until we meet again, keep your feet on the ground, keep your head in the stars, and keep your grubby fingers out of the mayonaise jar. What, were you raised in a barn? Good bye, good bye! Good bye! Good bye! Good bye!

(The music video for It's All About The Pentiums plays.)

It's all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Yeah

What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don't read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K
I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him "Money" for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It's all about the Pentiums, what?
You've gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen
You've got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin' "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You're just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller

It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)

Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?

Uh, uh, loggin' in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got 'em printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique
Your laptop is a month old? Well that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operating system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin'
It does all my work without me even askin'
Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide wide
I believe that your says "Etch-A-Sketch" on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, "alt.total-loser"
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks?
Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you
If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you
What? What? What? What? What?

It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
What??

If you have any e-mail regarding the "Weird Al" Yankovic portion of Hotel XVR27, send it to either . . . .